LoveGIRL.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Had a somewhat-quite peaceful broke up with Scott.

This is the first time & the last time we ever had such a calming quarrel. No one mention about leaving but it just happen.

He came in my house & pack his stuffs quietly while I sat there quietly too.

While he was packing, I went in to the room & played with my 'piano'..

Heart broken? Definitely.

Disappointed? For sure.

Sad? Of cause.

But among all of these negative emotions, felt a Slight relieve..

For this love that I had, I gave out alot.. Really. Many people could be witness.

Look at my past relationships & towards him- A total 360° difference.

But he didn't know; didn't care; didn't bother; didn't appreciate.

So what is the point? Am tired.

For the 1st time ever in my life, I gave out so much to a guy, put in so much.

Tears just come out automatically but I don't know what do those tears mean.

Perhaps in my tears, there are so many mixtures of emotions leaving out happiness & joy.

Felt like drinking & was thinking of going drinking afew hours ago at about 10+pm. But didn't go in the end..

Reason being, I don't feel like going drinking with another ~~guy~~ stranger. Planned to buy beer but couldn't buy through. So never mind.

Slept very early. Dreamt of him. And for no reason, dreamt of Casino? lols.

Felt silly. He must be feeling happy finally being able to get rid of me.

Hahas.

Heart had been beating very fast; very fast. And I could feel as though someone is squeezing my heart; pain.

Went out eating prata. And homed.

Chatted with Kok for awhile.

He laughed at me, saying he already predicted it & describing my relationship with Scott as "Puppy Love".

Smiled to myself & told him that, to me, it ain't.

He told me to just fucking get over him. 旧的不去，新的不来.

He somehow link the question to why would we break. Replied him saying, I don't know, I am tired.

Told him about how good Scott used to be to me. Told him how he protected me from that stupid guy from 'destroying' me.

And miraculously, Kok actually knew Lesly. Don't know how to spell.

Kok told me that it is only a matter of time when Scott will meet them. Don't really understand what he meant but guess it isn't some good stuffs?

Asked him what he mean but he don't want to tell me.

If that day actually do come, who will I help? 其实已经心知肚明，知道自己会帮他.

Just hoped that that day won't come.

Then Kok asked me a stupid question: "if between me & scott, who would you rather believe"

Smiled at him & say: "what you think"

Then he goes: "puppy love"

hahas, mention to him about how sad & depress I am actually now & even if he don't mean it, but I somehow felt that he was 安慰-ing me, in the bastard way-.-

Keep saying how "Puppy love" are we & ask me to just forget.

Then he asked me whether would I patch with him again. Think for very long & said: "most probably no".

Feel like crying again, but brother is at home.

Maybe going to brother's school to find a malay guy. kids.

That ~~stupid~~ malay boy hit my ~~stupid~~ brother with a ~~stupid~~ bottle. and my ~~stupid~~ brother don't bother to tell his ~~stupid~~ teacher but come home & complained to me instead. So because of this ~~stupid~~ incident, I have to go down to the ~~stupid~~ school & find that ~~stupid~~ boy though I doubt my ~~stupid~~ brother's words somehow.

Yes, im tired.

If he couldnt change for me, for my sake & for my good, then why not lets just free ourselves from all the suffering?

i love him, i really do. this is the 1st time i ever gave out so much in a relationship. 1st time i ever tried & manage to change myself so much for a guy.

but he didnt appreciate it, didnt bother abt it.

im a human, a girl. fancy me having to fight with a computer programme for his attention.

all iwan is just more attention, more patience, more care & more love. are these too much to ask for?

you threaten me ytd, but darling, dont u know that idont get threaten that easily?

for the past few months, i already let go of my stubbornness. whenever we quarrel, i tried i tried i tried to keep my temper down & try my best to give in.

u always broke ur promises. yes, maybe those promises are small matters but u couldnt even keep ur words to these small little promises, what can i trust u with?

i believed u, even though u broke ur promises again & again but i believed u still.

yet u broke & twist ur promises ytd. u can even threaten me despite those being ur faults.

hahas..

darling, you said that you'd enough but what u didnt know was that, im tired too.

tired of all those lies, tired of chasing aft what arent belonging to me..

although time heals, time also allows drifting.. we are drifting apart.

perhaps this is really the end. really am tired.

if you couldnt give in, couldnt change for me, iwould rather suffer the pain now then later.

tired. and it feels so hard to be the old me again. u have change me alot.

gosh, im tearing up again.

guess it will be a long & hard time for me to get up again but life still goes on without u. right?

u didnt change. towards ur family, towards ur ex, towards me, u didnt change.

but guess this is u alr right? u said that this is u & ihave no rights & have to accept u for who u are.

but im me too, isnt it?

tired..

thankyou for all those memories that you'd given me. thankyou for all those lessons that you'd taught me. thankyou for letting me learn. and thankyou for being there.

iloveu still. iloveu alot still.

imissu still. imissu alot still.

but we have to grow up sooner or later.

how long would i get up again? iwonder.

how pain would it feel? painer & painer.

maybe perhaps, if u really love me, u would change.

but it wont happen, not in the past, not now & never in the future.

the days are long still.

Labels: Do you still love me

8/03/2010 07:29:00 AM thus; ibuzzed Y